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Rat Scratchings #2

Rat Scratchings #2 (14/03/04 - 21/03/04)

Have had two fab lessons with Steve Paul (Tel: 07768085735 to book lessons, if no answer leave a message, he does answer them, and in the mean time his answer phone drives us all potty, in revenge for this, phone his mobile even at night {instead of home office 0132472540} as the reception is poo in his house and forces him have to hurtle outside to answer <>) who is one of the innocent coaches currently try to cure my DE cock up affliction, he has turned up the notch of the lessons to help cope with the panic response (Symptom: a Parry that is like hitting a sword with 2 bags of coal {and always the same direction}) so that I can get further in tricky fights, am slightly worried that his technical term for this is “random Cruelty”, but after his lesson and 2 hours of club, I feel as if someone has beaten me to death with a loaded wart-hog. I was so tired that I could not move my hand to turn off the country and western music what was on TV in the flat and ended up watching it with drool dribbling down my chin, now I am both physically and mentally scared thus meaning I can take up sabre at any time!.

Fought Mr Bird again on Monday night at LTFC, man is he fast!, the nasty thrashing I received has inspired the following in what I hope are a long line in little known fencing terms:

Unofficial Fencing Terms #1

The Port Lunge (or Plunge) - a shocking and somewhat unnerving experience that is produced by combining someone with a smooth and fast lunge with a defender who needs to blink, miss timing your blink just as they start there attack, makes it seem as if the attacker move from on guard to sticking a sword in your chest without covering the intervening distance, while the standard result of this is just the lose of a point, the optional side effects can contains any of the following, 1)heart attack, 2)fainting , 3)Accusation that they have sold their soul in return for fencing skills , 4)needing to wash your breaches sooner than you had hoped

Unofficial Fencing Terms #2

Slice (or Time Slice) - the opposite of the Port Lunge, a condition in which you blink or sneeze during your own attack, and when you open your eyes discovered that your have successfully scored a hit (this may or may not have included a parry and riposte), the reason for the successful hit an be put down to one of two reason 1) Your coach has been right all these years about feeling the blade and working on touch 2) your body is better at fencing when your brain is not getting in the way.

The metal pieste are getting more slippery!, wonder if it would be a good idea to bring a brush and hover and sort them out and at the same time add a new weapon class foil,saber, epee, dyson!!, it would be fab, get a load of ping pong balls and glue them to velcro pads, stick the other side to your kits, attach ping pong balls and a way you go, first to 15 balls in your hover wins, that idea has to be explored, here we go:

Dyson Fencing


  • 2 vacuum cleaners (baggless by preference)
  • 30 ping pong balls per fencer
  • a roll of stick backed velcro
  • 2 pad of post-it notes (optional)
  • 2 or more demented or possibly drunk fencers.

Set up:

cut up the sticky backed velcro in to 1cm strips and stick the hook sides to the ping pong balls and the fury side to fencers (nude or in kit it does not matter, but they must be conscious as waking up to find 30 ping pong balls stuck to you could scar you for life) once the fencers are balled up, they take there hovers on the pieste and plug them in at each end, they then touch tubes and await the president (or cleaners) command, to “turn on” and “suck”

The Game:

The bout is played until a fencer has collected 15 of his opponents balls with the hoover (please note when fighting male appoints there are NOT an additional 2 balls available to be attacked with the hover, unless that’s you kick and if it is I don’t want to know!) or if your opponents loses all their balls. Optional - for each bout a fencer has won, a post it note is stuck on the front of his mask to impair their abilities in the next bout.

Alternative game:

a less complicated and to my mind one that stands a chance of getting done at a camp, is to get a number of fencers, the more the better!!!, get them all sorted out with the ping pong balls, and with their masks on, give each one a foam sword (those battling ones are best) and let them lose, last one with balls left wins, utter carnage!!!!, yes it has to be done!!

Picture the Scene:

Its a fencing training camp week, its 2.00am in the morning and all good fencers are fast asleep after a long day of performing wholesome training exercises, but all is not quiet, a low humming noise starts to fill the air, getting louder and heading towards the bedrooms, suddenly the sound of screaming fills the air overpowering the humming, fencers rush to their doors and look out into the hall, a half naked figure thunders past looking a lot nobbler than normal, he is being closely followed by masked apparitions carrying the latest in electric home cleaning appliances, the next second they are gone, the humming fading off in to the distance, leaving a couple of stray ping pong balls rolling on the floor, the fencers look at each other, shrug and go back to sleep, after all Alp is at the training camp, the unexpected is SO last 5 seconds ago.

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