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Rat Scratchings #4

Rat Scratchings #4 (12/04/04 - 18/04/04) As I have not been stickfighting this week (apart from helping out at one of Jo’s and Mark’s beginner clubs and getting a lesson from her), which is mainly due to the major fencing clubs being closed (126 and Redhill and Reigate were both open but work and tiredness got in the way), I have little current stuff to rant about, so you will have to make do with the stuff which I have just made up or found, have fun:

Theres a Line, and knowing this fact means you have just crossed it!! #1 The fencing master in St. Trinian’s was a ex-school inspector called Mr Woodly, who became the fencing master and lotus eater after being corrupted by the older girls during an inspection

Unofficial Fencing Terms #4 The Alp (Latin Form: Mons Demens ) - This complex and highly specialised attack is known primary for the physiological damage it inflicts on the recipient if successful and the physical damage it inflicts on the initiator if unsuccessful, the exact composition of this attack has as yet never been identified but as this move breaks many of the laws of time and space but successfully completed the term “Target Area” is replaced with “Blast Radius”

A Week in the life of a fencing bag MONDAY good grief is that a banana skin?, the last time owner had a banana was last comp, and that was weeks ago!, but it seems that wire has got the hots for it, the two of them are entwined together, it looks like it will take surgery to get them separated “Oah! Wire! a least get a room man!” TUESDAY An Hour lesson tonight then followed by club so that means we will be just dumped in the door way when he gets back, “cough Cough” they’ve Spilt Lucozade powder into me and is got into test box, test box looks a bit weird, you OK dude?, your looking a bit spaced out, I thought you only had red and green lights, where did the pink and blue flashing one come from, Hey, HEY!, Remember, Just say NO WEDNESDAY Quiet day today, no lesson or practice, got tripped over twice this morning, but at least , Breaches, Plestron and Jacket were taken out and washed, they missed one of the socks though (is it me or do they all look alike?), it hid in the guard of No.2, muttering something venomous about Persil Performance, I think this is the same one that bit next doors cat (poor thing still has a limp), Its a nasty piece of work and seems to have some plan for world domination, I’m sure that its seen invasion of the body snatchers one to many times for its own good. THURSDAY Club night tonight and with a serious competition this weekend its going to be sweaty. Yep was right, owner gave everybody a right going over, trainers have got even more duck tape on them, in fact it is the only thing holding them together, What!, hang On!, Stop that!!, Stop moaning and shuffling up and down the bottom of me with your laces hanging straight out in front of you, you do not look like the undead (though you do smell like them), you will not get a major role in “The mummy 3 - Revenge of the addidas” Oh No, the mobile phone has got some of the old banana skin on it, No Wire!, back off man, she’s not worth it, we told you that bananas skins will go for anything with nucks and crannies, He’s not listening, its a real mess now their all tangled up together, it’ll take owner ages to sort that lot out and it will take weeks for body wire to get over it, were all in for a spell of false hits and dodgy readings FRIDAY Hey!, that doesn’t feel like a water bottle!, BOLLOX its a bottle of Jack Daniels, mask!, OH MASK!!, watch your self on Sunday, he’s on the razz on Saturday night but at least you’ll be able to tell us if he’s been on the kebabs or the Curry, breaches says one more of those “Silent but Violent” and he’s going to give at the seams. Here comes the car, looks like there will be 4 of us in it, and it looks like I will be on top of the pile YESSS!!, No crushing, no busting the tip box open, but there will be that moment when one of the other owners wants a packet of jelly babies or looks for their BFA card, I will be yanked to one side and get an elbow right in the side pocket , I tell you it really hurts, but you can get your own back by jabbing them hard in the ribs with something pointy when they lean on you and confuse them even more by moving the object so when they feel for it, they can’t find it <>, All in?, OK, time to go, are you sure we are all packed as neat as you can?, you will never get the boot shut unless you pack us a bit better (SLAM) mmmmumumufmfm…mmm..mmmmdmggmmm.mfmmfmmmhghmm {muffled comments that the editor refuses to translate}

SATURDAY Looking good feeling great, that cute little ULLMAN bag is going to go for me in a big way this weekend, even the blades are in a good mood today (for some reason they were checked and tested last night - AMAZING!!!) they are in top form (heard No’1 humming the tune from rocky a minute ago) and intend to do Owner right, no matter how many times they frown at them, asks the judge to test them and when no one is looking even banging them on the floor, but test box is still feeling a bit off so i see trouble ahead. oO oOO! owner has dumped me next to the cute ullman bag, hi there good looking, you come here often?, well yes, once a year same as me , that’s when the comp is on, I know….but….well…..yes I…….of Course….It was only a Leon Paul bag!!, it meant nothing to me….Sigh!!!. I hope the blades are doing better than me.

It seems that they are, owner has done really well and is a finalist, it means that I am now stuffed with 5 soggy T-shirts, when the “I was a finalist” T-Shirt arrives its in for a shock, the last one tried to escape from me once it saw the state in here, luckily owner caught it just as it fell out when I went off a curb, Ha Ha Ha There is no Escape!!

Owner has just pulled the J.D. out of me, I heard them saying “What do you mean, no more techila?, no worries I got this”, Mask has let out a little whimper

SUNDAY Ah, The team event, owners dragging me a bit slow today and has taken the sunglasses out of my side pocket, I feel it may be a quiet day today

All done and back home we go,

Oh, SOD!, body wire has picked up another banana skin, doesn’t that guy ever learn, and I don’t think we will ever get the smell out of Mask, some of the chunks seem to have got into the tip box which means sooner or later owner going to try and hold a trip in with bits of old carrots, which will be just plain nasty <> maybe I’ll save that story for another week.

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