Rat Scratchings 4

Rat Scratchings #4 (12/04/04 – 18/04/04)
As I have not been stickfighting this week (apart from helping out at one of
Jo’s and Mark’s beginner clubs and getting a lesson from her), which is mainly
due to the major fencing clubs being closed (126 and Redhill and Reigate were
both open but work and tiredness got in the way), I have little current stuff
to rant about, so you will have to make do with the stuff which I have just
made up or found, have fun:

There’s a Line, and knowing this fact means you have just crossed it!! #1
The fencing master in St. Trinian’s was a ex-school inspector called Mr Woodly,
who became the fencing master and lotus eater after being corrupted by the
older girls during an inspection

Unofficial Fencing Terms #4
The Alp (Latin Form: Mons Demens ) – This complex and highly specialised attack
is known primary for the physiological damage it inflicts on the recipient if
successful and the physical damage it inflicts on the initiator if
unsuccessful, the exact composition of this attack has as yet never been
identified but as this move breaks many of the laws of time and space but
successfully completed the term “Target Area” is replaced with “Blast Radius”

A Week in the life of a fencing bag
MONDAY
good grief is that a banana skin?, the last time owner had a banana was last
comp, and that was weeks ago!, but it seems that wire has got the hots for it,
the two of them are entwined together, it looks like it will take surgery to
get them separated “Oah! Wire! a least get a room man!”
TUESDAY
An Hour lesson tonight then followed by club so that means we will be just
dumped in the door way when he gets back, “cough Cough” they’ve Spilt Lucozade
powder into me and is got into test box, test box looks a bit weird, you OK
dude?, your looking a bit spaced out, I thought you only had red and green
lights, where did the pink and blue flashing one come from, Hey, HEY!,
Remember, Just say NO
WEDNESDAY
Quiet day today, no lesson or practice, got tripped over twice this morning,
but at least , Breaches, Plestron and Jacket were taken out and washed, they
missed one of the socks though (is it me or do they all look alike?), it hid in
the guard of No.2, muttering something venomous about Persil Performance, I
think this is the same one that bit next doors cat (poor thing still has a
limp), Its a nasty piece of work and seems to have some plan for world
domination, I’m sure that its seen invasion of the body snatchers one to many
times for its own good.
THURSDAY
Club night tonight and with a serious competition this weekend its going to be
sweaty.
Yep was right, owner gave everybody a right going over, trainers have got even
more duck tape on them, in fact it is the only thing holding them together,
What!, hang On!, Stop that!!, Stop moaning and shuffling up and down the bottom
of me with your laces hanging straight out in front of you, you do not look
like the undead (though you do smell like them), you will not get a major role
in “The mummy 3 – Revenge of the addidas”
Oh No, the mobile phone has got some of the old banana skin on it, No Wire!,
back off man, she’s not worth it, we told you that bananas skins will go for
anything with nucks and crannies, He’s not listening, its a real mess now their
all tangled up together, it’ll take owner ages to sort that lot out and it will
take weeks for body wire to get over it, were all in for a spell of false hits
and dodgy readings
FRIDAY
Hey!, that doesn’t feel like a water bottle!, BOLLOX its a bottle of Jack
Daniels, mask!, OH MASK!!, watch your self on Sunday, he’s on the razz on
Saturday night but at least you’ll be able to tell us if he’s been on the
kebabs or the Curry, breaches says one more of those “Silent but Violent” and
he’s going to give at the seams.
Here comes the car, looks like there will be 4 of us in it, and it looks like I
will be on top of the pile YESSS!!, No crushing, no busting the tip box open,
but there will be that moment when one of the other owners wants a packet of
jelly babies or looks for their BFA card, I will be yanked to one side and get
an elbow right in the side pocket , I tell you it really hurts, but you can get
your own back by jabbing them hard in the ribs with something pointy when they
lean on you and confuse them even more by moving the object so when they feel
for it, they can’t find it <>,
All in?, OK, time to go, are you sure we are all packed as neat as you can?,
you will never get the boot shut unless you pack us a bit better (SLAM)
mmmmumumufmfm…mmm..mmmmdmggmmm.mfmmfmmmhghmm {muffled comments that the
editor refuses to translate}

SATURDAY
Looking good feeling great, that cute little ULLMAN bag is going to go for me
in a big way this weekend, even the blades are in a good mood today (for some
reason they were checked and tested last night – AMAZING!!!) they are in top
form (heard No’1 humming the tune from rocky a minute ago) and intend to do
Owner right, no matter how many times they frown at them, asks the judge to
test them and when no one is looking even banging them on the floor, but test
box is still feeling a bit off so i see trouble ahead.
oO oOO! owner has dumped me next to the cute ullman bag, hi there good looking,
you come here often?, well yes, once a year same as me , that’s when the comp
is on, I know….but….well…..yes I…….of Course….It was only a Leon
Paul bag!!, it meant nothing to me….Sigh!!!. I hope the blades are doing
better than me.

It seems that they are, owner has done really well and is a finalist, it means
that I am now stuffed with 5 soggy T-shirts, when the “I was a finalist”
T-Shirt arrives its in for a shock, the last one tried to escape from me once
it saw the state in here, luckily owner caught it just as it fell out when I
went off a curb, Ha Ha Ha There is no Escape!!

Owner has just pulled the J.D. out of me, I heard them saying “What do you
mean, no more techila?, no worries I got this”, Mask has let out a little
whimper

SUNDAY
Ah, The team event, owners dragging me a bit slow today and has taken the
sunglasses out of my side pocket, I feel it may be a quiet day today

All done and back home we go,

Oh, SOD!, body wire has picked up another banana skin, doesn’t that guy ever
learn, and I don’t think we will ever get the smell out of Mask, some of the
chunks seem to have got into the tip box which means sooner or later owner
going to try and hold a trip in with bits of old carrots, which will be just
plain nasty <> maybe I’ll save that story for another week.

A Bluffers Guide to Fencing

A Bluffers Guide to Fencing – by a fencer’s flatmate.
(or how I learnt to stop worrying and love the balestra)

Fencing, as the name suggests, is territorial. In the same way that the West is
currently struggling with the distinctions between Sunni + Shi-ite Muslims
(stickfight, please take care with spellings), I struggle to comprehend the
intense 3 way civil war between Sabre,Epee & Foil.

As best as I can make out from stickfight’s descriptions, it can be
characterised as follows:
Foil = Cowardly Psychotics
Sabre = Foolhardy Psychotics
Epee = “The Psychotic’s Psychotic”
(NB guess which stickfight is)

Fencing can be broken down into 2 categories of action:
1) Trying to impale someone
2) Pretendingto try to impale someone.

All fencers can do 1, but only expert fencers manage 2.

Stickfight boy, being an I.T.-Type, would of course rather label these “1” and
“0” so he could fight in binary. If, indeed, you do enact this conversion, and
send the resulting 1’s and 0’s to a fax machine, the pictorial results are
fascinating; it turns out that when converted in reverse Mondrian’s otherwise
eclectic artistic style is actually a visual representation of the plot of “The
Count of Monte Cristo” (for foil fighters read same sentence with “Zorro”)

Useful Phrases to irritate fencers:
1) So you weren’t any good at football?
2) Ah-HA, but I have a gun!.
3) Battle of Agincourt, mate. Arrows. That’s the way forward
4) So do Epeeists ever actually attack? (use innocent tone for maximum effect)
5) It’s not exactly sharp is it?
6) My tuba v your epee, i win with one throw
7) So do you roll a D12 to see who moves next?
8) I bet your wife loves you talking her through the fights.
9) So can you download new ringtones into Leon Paul Boxes?
10) How come everyone else realises this went out of date at least 200 years
ago?

How to win fencing (for dummies)
1) ensure absence of referee
2) ensure far end sharp and pointy

Uncanny similarities between fencing and ballet
1) Lightness on feet (allegedly)
2) Obscure French terms
3) Frequency of opening of east European can of whup-ass
4) Strange cultish behaviour of followers, and frequency of fans called Crispin.
5) Protective clothing (shoes/kevlar)
6) “No we aren’t camp. It’s actually very physically demanding”

I rest my case.

Before I get any hate-mail, I should point out that my own obsessive pastime is
music.

1) My orchestra is bigger than your fencing club.
2) The cello spikes don’t have buttons on the end.
3) The brass section can drink you into the floor
4) You do, however, have our unreserved apologies for Wagner.

Notes on living with a fencer.
1) Do not startle, or make rapid movements
2) Only uses 2m wide strip of the house
3) Plugged into mains at all times.
4) When you are winning an argument he insists on a new argument. First to 15
wins.
5) Cannot do housework without wearing protective kevlar (actually fair point
if you’ve seen our bathroom)

If you’ve made it this far
In his infinite wisdom stick-fight boy has promised (OK he was drunk, but I
have it on Dictaphone) that I can expand this area for my wider deranged views.

It should be noted that the evidently warped mind is not entirely my own fault,
and i would like the court to take into account 5 years of public school
education, a Cambridge degree and farther who is a C of E vicar as mitigating
circumstances. Nobody could remain rational in these circumstances.

Read at your own risk, and ensure regular breaks for methylated spirits. It
makes more sense that way.

**Editor’s note: I would like to point out that the above was written when I
was very drunk tired and emotional. In block capitals on a notepad. It really
doesn’t make any sense does it? Ah well, never mind. Nor does expending huge
amounts of otherwise useful violent fury trying to turn on a lightbulb fifteen
times (or make a box go “ping”).