Rat Scratchings #4 (12/04/04 – 18/04/04)
As I have not been stickfighting this week (apart from helping out at one of
Jo’s and Mark’s beginner clubs and getting a lesson from her), which is mainly
due to the major fencing clubs being closed (126 and Redhill and Reigate were
both open but work and tiredness got in the way), I have little current stuff
to rant about, so you will have to make do with the stuff which I have just
made up or found, have fun:

There’s a Line, and knowing this fact means you have just crossed it!! #1
The fencing master in St. Trinian’s was a ex-school inspector called Mr Woodly,
who became the fencing master and lotus eater after being corrupted by the
older girls during an inspection

Unofficial Fencing Terms #4
The Alp (Latin Form: Mons Demens ) – This complex and highly specialised attack
is known primary for the physiological damage it inflicts on the recipient if
successful and the physical damage it inflicts on the initiator if
unsuccessful, the exact composition of this attack has as yet never been
identified but as this move breaks many of the laws of time and space but
successfully completed the term “Target Area” is replaced with “Blast Radius”

A Week in the life of a fencing bag
MONDAY
good grief is that a banana skin?, the last time owner had a banana was last
comp, and that was weeks ago!, but it seems that wire has got the hots for it,
the two of them are entwined together, it looks like it will take surgery to
get them separated “Oah! Wire! a least get a room man!”
TUESDAY
An Hour lesson tonight then followed by club so that means we will be just
dumped in the door way when he gets back, “cough Cough” they’ve Spilt Lucozade
powder into me and is got into test box, test box looks a bit weird, you OK
dude?, your looking a bit spaced out, I thought you only had red and green
lights, where did the pink and blue flashing one come from, Hey, HEY!,
Remember, Just say NO
WEDNESDAY
Quiet day today, no lesson or practice, got tripped over twice this morning,
but at least , Breaches, Plestron and Jacket were taken out and washed, they
missed one of the socks though (is it me or do they all look alike?), it hid in
the guard of No.2, muttering something venomous about Persil Performance, I
think this is the same one that bit next doors cat (poor thing still has a
limp), Its a nasty piece of work and seems to have some plan for world
domination, I’m sure that its seen invasion of the body snatchers one to many
times for its own good.
THURSDAY
Club night tonight and with a serious competition this weekend its going to be
sweaty.
Yep was right, owner gave everybody a right going over, trainers have got even
more duck tape on them, in fact it is the only thing holding them together,
What!, hang On!, Stop that!!, Stop moaning and shuffling up and down the bottom
of me with your laces hanging straight out in front of you, you do not look
like the undead (though you do smell like them), you will not get a major role
in “The mummy 3 – Revenge of the addidas”
Oh No, the mobile phone has got some of the old banana skin on it, No Wire!,
back off man, she’s not worth it, we told you that bananas skins will go for
anything with nucks and crannies, He’s not listening, its a real mess now their
all tangled up together, it’ll take owner ages to sort that lot out and it will
take weeks for body wire to get over it, were all in for a spell of false hits
and dodgy readings
FRIDAY
Hey!, that doesn’t feel like a water bottle!, BOLLOX its a bottle of Jack
Daniels, mask!, OH MASK!!, watch your self on Sunday, he’s on the razz on
Saturday night but at least you’ll be able to tell us if he’s been on the
kebabs or the Curry, breaches says one more of those “Silent but Violent” and
he’s going to give at the seams.
Here comes the car, looks like there will be 4 of us in it, and it looks like I
will be on top of the pile YESSS!!, No crushing, no busting the tip box open,
but there will be that moment when one of the other owners wants a packet of
jelly babies or looks for their BFA card, I will be yanked to one side and get
an elbow right in the side pocket , I tell you it really hurts, but you can get
your own back by jabbing them hard in the ribs with something pointy when they
lean on you and confuse them even more by moving the object so when they feel
for it, they can’t find it <>,
All in?, OK, time to go, are you sure we are all packed as neat as you can?,
you will never get the boot shut unless you pack us a bit better (SLAM)
mmmmumumufmfm…mmm..mmmmdmggmmm.mfmmfmmmhghmm {muffled comments that the
editor refuses to translate}

SATURDAY
Looking good feeling great, that cute little ULLMAN bag is going to go for me
in a big way this weekend, even the blades are in a good mood today (for some
reason they were checked and tested last night – AMAZING!!!) they are in top
form (heard No’1 humming the tune from rocky a minute ago) and intend to do
Owner right, no matter how many times they frown at them, asks the judge to
test them and when no one is looking even banging them on the floor, but test
box is still feeling a bit off so i see trouble ahead.
oO oOO! owner has dumped me next to the cute ullman bag, hi there good looking,
you come here often?, well yes, once a year same as me , that’s when the comp
is on, I know….but….well…..yes I…….of Course….It was only a Leon
Paul bag!!, it meant nothing to me….Sigh!!!. I hope the blades are doing
better than me.

It seems that they are, owner has done really well and is a finalist, it means
that I am now stuffed with 5 soggy T-shirts, when the “I was a finalist”
T-Shirt arrives its in for a shock, the last one tried to escape from me once
it saw the state in here, luckily owner caught it just as it fell out when I
went off a curb, Ha Ha Ha There is no Escape!!

Owner has just pulled the J.D. out of me, I heard them saying “What do you
mean, no more techila?, no worries I got this”, Mask has let out a little
whimper

SUNDAY
Ah, The team event, owners dragging me a bit slow today and has taken the
sunglasses out of my side pocket, I feel it may be a quiet day today

All done and back home we go,

Oh, SOD!, body wire has picked up another banana skin, doesn’t that guy ever
learn, and I don’t think we will ever get the smell out of Mask, some of the
chunks seem to have got into the tip box which means sooner or later owner
going to try and hold a trip in with bits of old carrots, which will be just
plain nasty <> maybe I’ll save that story for another week.

Rat Scratchings #2 (14/03/04 – 21/03/04)

Have had two fab lessons with Steve Paul (Tel: 07768085735 to book lessons, if no answer leave a message, he does answer them, and in the mean time his answer phone drives us all potty, in revenge for this, phone his mobile even at night {instead of home office 0132472540} as the reception is poo in his house and forces him have to hurtle outside to answer <>) who is one of the innocent coaches currently try to cure my DE cock up affliction, he has turned up the notch of the lessons to help cope with the panic response (Symptom: a
Parry that is like hitting a sword with 2 bags of coal {and always the same direction}) so that I can get further in tricky fights, am slightly worried that his technical term for this is “random Cruelty”, but after his lesson and 2 hours of club, I feel as if someone has beaten me to death with a loaded wart-hog. I was so tired that I could not move my hand to turn off the country
and western music what was on TV in the flat and ended up watching it with drool dribbling down my chin, now I am both physically and mentally scared thus meaning I can take up sabre at any time!.

Fought Mr Bird again on Monday night at LTFC, man is he fast!, the nasty thrashing I received has inspired the following in what I hope are a long line in little known fencing terms:

Unofficial Fencing Terms #1

The Port Lunge (or Plunge) – a shocking and somewhat unnerving experience that is produced by combining someone with a smooth and fast lunge with a defender who needs to blink, miss timing your blink just as they start there attack, makes it seem as if the attacker move from on guard to sticking a sword in your chest without covering the intervening distance, while the standard result of this is just the lose of a point, the optional side effects can contains any of the following, 1)heart attack, 2)fainting , 3)Accusation that they have sold their soul in return for fencing skills , 4)needing to wash your breaches sooner than you had hoped

Unofficial Fencing Terms #2

Slice (or Time Slice) – the opposite of the Port Lunge, a condition in which you blink or sneeze during your own attack, and when you open your eyes discovered that your have successfully scored a hit (this may or may not have included a parry and riposte), the reason for the successful hit an be put down to one of two reason 1) Your coach has been right all these years about feeling the blade and working on touch 2) your body is better at fencing when your brain is not getting in the way.

The metal pieste are getting more slippery!, wonder if it would be a good idea to bring a brush and hover and sort them out and at the same time add a new weapon class foil,saber, epee, dyson!!, it would be fab, get a load of ping pong balls and glue them to velcro pads, stick the other side to your kits, attach ping pong balls and a way you go, first to 15 balls in your hover wins,
that idea has to be explored, here we go:

Dyson Fencing

Equipment:

• 2 vacuum cleaners (baggless by preference)
• 30 ping pong balls per fencer
• a roll of stick backed velcro
• 2 pad of post-it notes (optional)
• 2 or more demented or possibly drunk fencers.

Set up:

cut up the sticky backed velcro in to 1cm strips and stick the hook sides to the ping pong balls and the fury side to fencers (nude or in kit it does not matter, but they must be conscious as waking up to find 30 ping pong balls stuck to you could scar you for life) once the fencers are balled up, they take there hovers on the pieste and plug them in at each end, they then touch tubes and await the president (or cleaners) command, to “turn on” and “suck”

The Game:

The bout is played until a fencer has collected 15 of his opponents balls with the hoover (please note when fighting male appoints there are NOT an additional 2 balls available to be attacked with the hover, unless that’s you kick and if it is I don’t want to know!) or if your opponents loses all their balls. Optional – for each bout a fencer has won, a post it note is stuck on the front of his mask to impair their abilities in the next bout.

Alternative game:

a less complicated and to my mind one that stands a chance of getting done at a camp, is to get a number of fencers, the more the better!!!, get them all sorted out with the ping pong balls, and with their masks on, give each one a foam sword (those battling ones are best) and let them lose, last one with balls left wins, utter carnage!!!!, yes it has to be done!!

Picture the Scene:

Its a fencing training camp week, its 2.00am in the morning and all good fencers are fast asleep after a long day of performing wholesome training exercises, but all is not quiet, a low humming noise starts to fill the air, getting louder and heading towards the bedrooms, suddenly the sound of screaming fills the air overpowering the humming, fencers rush to their doors and look out into the hall, a half naked figure thunders past looking a lot nobbler than normal, he is being closely followed by masked apparitions carrying the latest in electric home cleaning appliances, the next second they are gone, the humming fading off in to the distance, leaving a couple of stray ping pong balls rolling on the floor, the fencers look at each other, shrug and go back to sleep, after all Alp is at the training camp, the unexpected is SO last 5 seconds ago.